i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just threw up on my dentist
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
