When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
