Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
