She went from zero to smokin in five shots
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
