So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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