I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize