I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
