My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
