So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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