Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
