If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
