I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
