Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm passing your future prison.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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