It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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