I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It's official drugs can't kill me
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
