i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
