Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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