You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
