32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
