if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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