Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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