Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
