Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
