So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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