Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
