Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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