I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
