It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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