im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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