he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
