oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
