it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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