There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
