nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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