i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
