I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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