Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
