I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
