omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
