I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Hello my rib-scented angel!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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