i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
