hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
