she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
