I think my vagina is haunted
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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