so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
