Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
