mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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