I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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