Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize