my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
