Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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