someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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