So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
