Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
