She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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