I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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