can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize