: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
