Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
