Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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