Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
