you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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