Is it normal to miss your booty call?
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
