alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
