the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
