thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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