you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
